Surprise parties have been going on for centuries. The Greeks were always surprising their friends and co-workers on their cake-days. Recently, surprise parties have become very run of the mill from most peoples’ perspectives. Everyone is always expecting a surprise party in modern times. What used to be novel and fun is now dull, boring, and just a straight stick up the ass, almost touching the lower half of the ribs. Here are the two best alternatives to the traditional Surprise Party for 2014.
1) The “Emergency Surprise”
This one is very easy to do, and doesn’t take too much effort. You first need to come up with something to say to the Surprisee. You want it to sound like something horrible has happened. Take a couple laps around the block first to seem out of breath and then call the Surpirsee. You must come up with something believable. For instance if their Father has a history of heart attacks use it like so. “Don, you need to come home right now, your father is having another heart attack and needs to get to the hospital. I’m at your house and my car won’t start, you need to come home NOW! I called the ambulance, but they have a few other jobs before they get to us!” Guaranteed the Surpisee will come rushing home. Hopefully he doesn’t break too many traffic violations on the way! When he storms into the house, the Surpisee’s father is on all fours at the door, and he says “I’m having a ha… har.. happy birthday!” Everyone jumps out and surprises the Surpisee.
2) The “Early Morning Surprise”
If you want one they’ll never see coming, this is the tactic to employ. You first need to figure out when the Surprisee usually goes to bed for the night. You then need to figure out how you’re going to get into the house. Picking the lock is always an option, but the best is to yoink an extra key from the Suprisee’s a place a day before. Get a few of the Surprisee’s most dedicated friends together for the first part of this one. You all need to dress like home intruders. Wear a lot of black, buy some fake guns and spray paint them black, or use real guns, just make sure they’re not loaded. You want to “break in” when they are in the deep sleep cycle. The optimal time to do this is usually around 3:30am (of course this depends on when they go to sleep; keep that in mind). Get into the house, wake that defenseless loser up with a “Don’t fucking move!” Once the Surpisee is awake and fearing for their life, throw a bag over their head (not plastic) and walk them outside to the van. Say things like “shut the fuck up if you ever want to see your family again” and “we’ll bring you back once we get what we want”, etc. You’ll probably want to tie the Surpisee up as well for authenticity and escape purposes. Get on the road ASAP (don’t want the neighbors calling anyone, etc.)and start driving to your destination. Keep threatening them with a gun to their head and killing their significant other if they don’t cooperate the entire way. This will keep them quiet. Once you stop the van in the parking lot, explain to them that they better not say a word or else you’re going to blow their foot off. Enter Perkins, sit Surprisee down at the head of the party table the staff has set up. Make sure the non-kidnappers say nothing when the Surprisee arrives. Also be sure the staff has the cake and everything setup. Pull off the mask, and “SURPPRISE!”
Remember; never spill the surprise early, no matter how much they’re begging for their life. Good luck!
Phillip Butcher was just a young man attending St. Michael’s University. Coming from a broken home, he received many scholarships to go to St. Michael’s. During his time there, he became someone everyone looked up to, the leader of many different clubs including, Kids for K©hrist, the Good Baker’s club, and napkins for Nancy. This is what he said during his speech.
“Professors, parents, fellow graduates, I welcome you on this glorious day of graduation. I have learned many things since coming to college at St. Michael’s. The most important thing may be about abortion and marriage. They are both very important to me, and they should be to you too.”
Next time, think about things before you say them.
1) Most Singles
Pennsylvania was rated #1 for most singles. So then you can meet someone and move to a different state once you’re married.
2) The Best Sandwich shops
Even though you’re going to be eating sandwiches the rest of your life, Pennsylvania has the most sandwich shops per capita. They are great places for dates since they also serve alcohol.
3) Best Bars in the US
Pennsylvania recently won the contest for best bars in the US. They have one bar called “Uncle Mike’s Tavern” that serves the best Long Island this side of the Mississippi. Everyone drinks Long Islands so it’s the best.
4) Great Road system
It’s extremely easy to get around in Pennsylvania as long as you have a car. It’s much more difficult without one unless you have a bike with different speeds because Pennsylvania is very hilly.
5) Second Best Economy
Pennsylvania has a great economy and working in an office is very easy. This way you can register for things easily because it’s easy to be on the computer.
Maine is one of the top states in employment currently. As of the 2013, the unemployment rate was only 1.2 per cent.
2) Available Parks
There are more parks per capita than anywhere else. Seriously, if you want to go out and get some fresh air, it’s easy with all the parks. 1 park for every 8 people.
3) Medium Population
There’s always room to breathe in Maine. With the population at only 735,000, it’s easy for everyone to get out and have fun.
If you have children, Maine has the most daycares to take care of you kids during your busy day of business, etc. They even have night daycares for younger parents so they can go to the club on the weekend!
5) Great service at Restaurants
The restaurant service was rated by a website to have the best service of anywhere in the US by 12 votes done by a panel of professionals and reviewers.
Maine has some of the most amazing scenery anywhere. Mountains, rivers, waterfalls, you name it, Maine will probably have it. Whether it’s hiking up Mt. Rivera on a Sunday with you friend or going to the Falls, there’s always something to do in Maine.
It was early evening. I looked forward and up (simultaneously) at the moon. This is always a very mystical sight for me (the moon is visible, but it is still light out). This sight today got me thinking: would Earth having two or more moons (kind of like the two suns of Tatooine except moons), be a positive influence or detrimental? I’ve rendered a picture of what a typical evening may look like with two moons using Photoshop elements; view here.
I’m unaware if they would be blue and red respectively, but I think that would be neater than if they were just white. I also don’t know if one would have a shadow. I took my artistic liberties to the edge and back on this one. Traveling back to the original question, I think that the Earth having two moons would be more positive than detrimental for 3 reasons:
1) The lunar cycle
3) Less car & plane accidents
In conclusion, I think the Earth gaining another moon would have a positive impact because of the lunar cycle, aesthetics, and less plane & car accidents.
What do you think? Email me at email@example.com if you have points to back up my hypothesis, have a different viewpoint, or if you think two moons would be detrimental.
I woke up to the sweet surprise of Mommy offering to make me breakfast. She made me a “toad in the hole” (an egg dropped inside of a piece of buttered bread with a hole cut in the middle of it. It is then cooked in a pan on some sort of heating element. There are alternative, more popular names for this part of a complete breakfast, but “toad in the hole” is the best. I like the idea of food being named after animals and I like toads in general). The heating elements on our family oven suck, so it took forever. Finally, after waiting what seemed to be about 4 minutes, I received breakfast for the first time since I had Hardee’s breakfast (reference “My 1st breakfast in a long while”). I took a bite and………… it tasted like a McDonald’s hamburger! I could not believe it. I really wondered how this happened. So I thought about it, and then got to thinking why I was thinking about it. And that’s how I spent the entire day.
It’s high school graduation time, and this year my brother is part of the fun! My family and I attended the graduation ceremony that was just a little over two hours long in duration. There was one highlight during the ceremony: the superintendent of the school zoomed to the stage on a Segway to give his speech. The sequence reminded me of Gob from Arrested Development; that in turn reminded me of the new season (4) that had been released on Netflix about a week prior. I have not yet watched any of the new episodes yet because I’m watching the first three seasons over again (Arrested Development is a program built off of thousands of ongoing jokes. I believe that I will be able to enjoy the 4th season more if I jog my memory first.). Back at the graduation, I sat, watched, and listened some of the time. I took about 8 bathroom breaks. I think I might have diabetes. Actually there was one other highlight! The student speaker said something kind of entertaining. He said something like, “For many of us, an exciting post secondary education awaits; for others, this will have been the best 4 years of their lives.” I practically removed my shoes and pants laughing. No one else shared my amusement. I assume that high school was the best four years of a lot of their lives? Who gives a fuck. So the names start to get read off (a piece of paper) and the students begin receiving their own personal “key” to the world. Without warning, a baby’s screech shattered the warm oxygen molecules in the gymnasium. Of course this disrupts the concentration of the entire crowd that has gathered on this special day for the singular purpose of watching an important young person in their life graduate high school. Family, friends, and relatives did not travel from the ends of the Earth and from the middle of butt fuck nowhere to listen to inconsiderate baby bitch about its life. Everyone is already aware that you can barely speak English and have a hard time expressing yourself. No one needs to be reminded of this, so why are you doing it? I always wonder why babies are so inconsiderate, especially in public. They know exactly what they’re doing to the individuals around them, and they enjoy it! I’ve seen it! I’ve witnessed at least four babies in public crying and carrying on that I’ve been in a reasonable viewing vicinity to (this is about 5 feet because babies can’t see much further with their underdeveloped weak eyes). While in the reasonable viewing vicinity, I scorned all of these babies. I could see that twinkle in their eye that isn’t present in more mature humans; in addition, they all have their own tick when they become nervous and realize that their little act has been found out (i.e. barefoot twitch, eye wink, blowing a kiss, giving the finger, etc.). Just know that whenever some baby makes a scene in public, it’s a fucking act, %100 of the time. It’s just being an inconsiderate fuck. Afterwards we ate at Qdoba (the shittier Chipotle). Their claim to fame is the queso cheese sauce and quesadillas. You get asked at least nine times if you want the queso sauce. “Would you like our new queso sauce on your burrito? How ‘bout on your taco? It goes great on the salad and in fountain drinks! No? How about I put some in your wallet and you can try it later! Inconvenient? Are you driving far? I’ll put some in your car’s gas tank and you can siphon it when you get home!” You get the picture. They are so god damn fucking proud of that mediocre sauce. Chipotle doesn’t possess either of these items (they do not require these useless nubs and chubs to sell product). If I wanted cheese sauce, I’d go to Taco Bell, and if I wanted a Quesadilla, I’d have Mommy go to the local food co-op, buy some high quality cheese, and build it at home for my sorry ass. Anyone that says Qdoba and Chipotle is “the same thing” is just plain egnormoose (this word is used in a small game involving pegs and a wood triangle we bought at Cracker Barrel when I was younger). Here’s why: Qdoba’s ingredients are not as high quality as Chipotle’s; they do not fuse together to form one dish. They should work together to create something greater than themselves. This lack of quality and unity is evident in the overall taste and texture of whatever item you purchase. After the OK lunch, we traveled home and plopped down on furniture, preparing for the eventful night of Television viewing ahead.
This memorial weekend has been the most hectic memorial weekend since I was 14 years old! It was reminiscent of coleslaw for me (just the act of looking at coleslaw births a pit in my stomach and sends the shakes to my hands. I will rarely walk down a potluck line for this reason. Usually Mommy will walk the line in my place and grab my desired foods). Since it would be impossible to depict all of the exciting events that took place this weekend through writing, I have decided to elucidate in detail, a few of the most memorable moments from this wild memorial weekend. On Friday, I awoke and sauntered into the kitchen. There was a note written on a medium sized yellow paper notepad. It read, “Terry, mow the lawn. It needs to get done today –Father”. As I pulled the cord to start the machine and the metal blades began slicing grass blades, I started to wonder, not what’s in a “Wonder Ball”, (the “surprises” were never actual surprises; they actually revealed in the commercial the contents of a Wonder Ball: “Who knows what surprises a Wonder Ball can hide? Yummy Nestle chocolate with candy shapes inside”. The only thing to wonder as my Mommy and I drove away from the gas station was why the hell I got a “Wonder Ball” for my snack. They were difficult to eat and all around disappointing) but rather when and where did this idea/act/tradition of cutting grass originate? I started to do some research. It turns out that mowing the lawn started back in the Middle Ages when a peasant farmer desired the front of his house to look more lively and fresh. Currently, the land around his house was basic dirt that surrounded most houses in that period. As a boy, he had lived on the island of Ireland and remembered the lush green hills. He decided he would fill his lawn with this plant (grass). Within the next few days, he boarded a ferry headed for Ireland to unearth the seeds he considered necessary for a lovely front yard. Long story short, he acquired the seeds and traveled back home to plant them. It took an exaggerated amount of arduous work and late afternoons, but after a year of fooling around he discovered all of the secrets to growing aesthetically pleasing grass plants. The only issue now was the length of the grass. Pre-grass lawn, the peasant was able to easily play tidily winks, but now with the tall grass, tidily winks was virtually impossible (the tidily winks would be engulfed by the tall grass and become impossible to find). So the peasant decided to cut the grass. He put two knives together (reminiscent of our modern day hedge clippers) and cut the grass down to an acceptable height for tidily winks. Eventually, more and more peasants started following suit with grass in their small front yards, and then kings started to desire this green decoration in their courtyards. So here I am now, cutting the grass, passing the time (change) with thoughts, as we often do. When I completed the task, it was almost supper time. Mommy was home and asked what I wanted. I had a hard on hankering for a meatball sub, and the easiest way to do this according to Mother was Subway. I decided that this was probably the best choice, even though Subway is almost never the best choice. As we all know, Subway pioneered the “healthy, build your own sandwich assembly line” genre in the fast food industry a couple decades ago. Over the last 10 years, other fast food sandwich parlors have emerged, dethroned Subway and introduced the masses to better tasting sandwiches (Jimmy John’s, Erbert & Gerbert’s, Pot Belly’s, etc.). Anyway, there are only a few items I will buy at Subway if I am forced to dine there: some sort of standard cold cut on the flat bread or the meatball sub. I will be describing the latter. The fascinating fact about the meatball sub at Subway is that it is simultaneously the best and sketchiest item on the menu. (Now about half of you may be saying, “Wait a second Terry, the tuna sub is definitely sketchier than the meatball sub.” Technically, you would be correct in saying this, but the tuna sub is not delicious, I would never order it and that is way too much tuna to eat in one meal time, so it is being omitted in this description. It is not a component of my personal reality). The meatballs and marinara that they have been wading in masks the dryness and lack of flavor in the “freshly baked bread”. Sometimes while consuming this I sing to myself, “God only knows what I’d be without you”, (because it is quite delicious) but then the next instant I’m thinking to myself, “God only knows how long you’ve been wading in that marinara and what kind of meat you are.” The taste and ideology of the meatball sub outweigh the origin of the meat and general uncertainty about it. Back in real time, Mommy goes to pick up my meatball sub at Subway. She gets back and I eat it with some original Ruffles and a can sprite. It was fairly enjoyable since this was my first and most likely last meal of the day.